I was about to start writing and my mum rang. I’d been thinking about my mum and family earlier today. I recalled the day I came home from primary school at lunchtime to be greeted by my little brother saying ‘your guinea pig died’. That was Honey pig… a three coloured rosette pig…. Honey was one of a pair of pigs, her companion being called Sugar, a smooth black and tan pellet of a pig…..I love guinea pigs and have had the pleasure of the company of many over the years… funny little things that bustle about and squeak a lot!! Anyway my response aged 6/7 years old was to turn away to hide in our hallway and cry… :( Our mum said hush now to little brother and came to find me to hold me tight and say now now… This got harder and harder for me and my mum….
I have a real problem with being seen and weak and needy… I run and hide away from people rather than show them my pain and … goodness so much more.
In going through what has happened to and around me in recent years plus all the stuff I carry around in being 47 years old and in being where I now find myself in relation to this all of this has led me to the point where I know I have to find some real peace within myself.
I can’t keep pushing people away and keeping people at arms length. My family and friends love me and care about me. I love and care about them. Very much. Yesterday when I arrived at my friends annual August Bank Holiday for what may be the last time at their home as they are downsizing, I bounced of a step to land on the grass saying ‘Boing’ for my friend to say ‘that’s why I love being friends with you, the you that boing’s off of steps’ xx You know who you are friend. Hugs xx That was nice as was the good connected kind of chat that I’ve just had with my mum, the sort of chat that makes you feel loved and valued. Hope it went both ways cos its meant like that.
I am going to be as mindful as I can with what I write next, I am very away of the amount of what we in therapy terms call spillage is going on with me and I do not want to cause anyone distress or embarrassment in any way, I retain certain boundaries, many boundaries in fact so no names.
I am making great inroads into reducing, softening, maybe one day eliminating the many walls that I have created around me. Walls created because of many events that have occurred in my life. Some you know about, some you don’t. Some of those events simply need to be discussed in therapy as that is the safest place for them and for me. But yesterday I had a lovely time with some of my oldest dearest friends… lets call them the Scooby Gang… love Scooby Doo and its always good to get a Buffy reference in there… :)
Goodness we laughed reminiscing. Laughed so much it hurt… tales of friends playing golf in the middle of thunderstorms, of friends sliding down massive embankments, of that friend being sooooo angry when the other four of us just stood there and roared with laughter at this event, if you were there you will know just how funny it was. Tales of all of us being renegades, of being people that cared deeply about each other, who whilst conforming to many of societies rules and regulations all needed to push certain boundaries. Many boundaries pushed. Nothing broken too badly I hope….
one of my friends was talking about playing post man’s knock, this being a kissing game if you are not aware of it, and kissing one of her best-est male friends whilst pinching her nose. Made me laugh. Something was said about the exchanging of saliva, if you get what I mean, ……..and I remarked maybe there was a little to much exchanging of saliva between us, Lets get this out there …I’m not bothered about any of this stuff, it is what it is/ was, curiosity mainly, something else, who knows. Anyway it led to a discussion about how maybe people outside of our circle might find us and our behavior a little odd. Then on of my pals, who was once a very long time ago my boyfriend for a couple of years said ‘yeah but what did we all really do’….’the difference between what we all did and what we could do was’ …and he held his hands a foot apart to three feet apart… we all laughed and went yes …you are absolutely right. And he is correct.
I do proper love these people for many different reasons. a lot of it is about growing up with people,. This does not differentiate the friendships that I have with other people who I met later or who simply were not part of this group cos if you are my friend I will care about you at some level or another… I have plenty of positive emotions and can share those quite easily… its the bad stuff I have a problem with.
So there is a whole lot more to that discussion that I have in my head right now but being mindful of others and their feelings I will hold those thoughts. Suffice to say as a rule I feel quite secure with my sexuality, I have a really smutty sense of humour and to my absolute delight I find many other people do…. ladies, school mums, that stood on the primary school playground whilst waiting for our children to come out of school talking about the merits of vegetables such as carrots that caused me to turn around and raise an eyebrow at them and the moment that we all laughed, telling someone that they were invited to the staff barbecue to be told I love a sausage in a somewhat suggestive manner causing me to turn away laughing whilst saying yep I love a sausage too…yep, its sill, its childish but you know what I don’t give a f*ck. I hope I never grow up.
I hope I never lose my curiosity, I hope I never stop seeking out new experiences, I’m looking at Masters modules for study next year as I know I need to stretch my brain again. I’m feeling properly awake for the first time in years and I’m loving it…..
So spirituality and sexuality being one? Well they are, they are an energy, a creative life force all of their own. They are mainly a good thing. I say that because I like some of you have bad sexual experiences in my past, thankfully far outweighed by good experiences. And that is most certainly all I am saying about that. The rest is for therapy.
I found the following quote by Deepak Chopra… Sexual energy is the primal and creative energy of the universe. All things that are alive come from sexual energy. In animals and other life forms, sexual energy expresses itself as biological creativity. In humans, sexual energy can be creative at all levels — physical, emotional and spiritual. In any situation — where we feel attraction, arousal, awakening, alertness, passion, interest, inspiration, excitement, creativity, enthusiasm — in each of these situations, sexual energy is at work. Whenever we feel these states of awareness, we must put our attention on the energy that we are experiencing, nourishing it with our attention, experiencing it with joy and keeping it alive in our awareness.’ He also said ‘Sexual desire is sacred and chaste. The suppression of sexual energy is false, ugly and unchaste’ and ‘Bliss, carefreeness and playfulness are the essence of sex’.
Someone recently commented in a good way about my use of Huffington posts so here is a link to one with a little more of Deepak Chopra’s insights into sexuality http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deepak-chopra/kama-sutra-insights-into_b_623177.html for you perusal.
Another link, this time by Walter Last http://www.health-science-spirit.com/sexspirit.html if your interested.
Finally, I just told my mum a conversation that I had with my teenage son on Friday night when we drove back to my place of work to recover the yummy food that I had bought to celebrate his GCSE results and had left there… Doh me! Anyway I was telling him that I am considering my options regarding a Masters degree, I had been thinking psychology and sociology…. these already forming part of an Bachelors OT degree … but that conversations that I had had with a work colleague that day about Mindfulness, I thanked her and a colleague for introducing me to Mindfulness, she remarked that she thought i was already there as evidenced by my use of the Andrew Boyd quote… its everywhere at work now!!! Anyway we talked about how degrees in economics and philosophy would be something worthy of studying. I think I just might. And as my mum just said ‘you were good at economic’s’ and as I then said’ yes and I’m interested in philosophy’. But my son with his mega scientific brain see’s philosophy as a weak science, something to derided. He quoted Karl Marx at me, ‘Philosophy is to science, what masturbation is to sex’. seriously he said this!! In an instant I thought you are a 16 year old boy it is very likely you know what masturbation is, I’m his mum. seriously I really don’t want to know…fingers in ears… la la la moment…But you have barely left the house in the last two years therefore I do not believe that you will ever have actually had sex. My response? i looked sideways at him and ‘yes, but you know what? Masturbation feels good’. That my friends completely took the wind out his superbly critical sails. That might sound harsh … but as a colleague sad this week…. ‘Boy! you OT’s are harsh!!…. and as Baloo in the Jungle Book says or at least I think he does,,,’You better believe it!’….. I did go on to say I understand that you don’t think much of it, but I am interested in it. I also said I don’t really want to listen to you being so dismissive about it. He is of course a 16 year old boy with a 16 year boys brain, therefore his frontal cortex is not fully developed, so empathy is a little lacking but I will endeavor to ensure he develops it!!! Oh and when I told my mum this she laughed!! That my friends is a mega thing, worthy of being most precious!!!
That is of course another example of sexuality and spirituality being one. So my friends as I endeavor to lower my own barriers and come back to you all on many different levels, i hope you will bear with me. I don’t know what has gone on in your lives, what you have and haven’t experienced, what you are currently feeling but what I do know is that I believe that my future will be a warmer, kinder, more open and more compassionate place. I hope to see many of you there. Well not a sexual way of course, cos that is and has always been reserved for a select special few.
And that my friends is that just got the Andrew Boyd quote again, cos I love it so much…
“Compassion hurts. When you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything. And you cannot turn away. Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. You must either learn to carry the Universe or be crushed by it. You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors.”
Oh and an aside… when I returned from my primary school third year trip, my dad and I went into our garden to put our remaining guinea pig Sugar to bed. Honey and Sugar were clever pigs, they had been trained to climb into a metal box when you tapped the top of it, my mum could not handle guinea pigs and so this solution to the problem was created. We found that she had died in her run. She looked completely at peace.
Posting first, editing later. Loves you all xxx