For all those that enjoy slightly off of central humour

50 Shades of Grey has been all over the media of late, so much that its become a popular reference point. Have I read it? No. Why? Because I think it will be badly written and I can’t bear to read badly written books, I think it will read like Dan Browns Da Vinci Code or one of the Larson books. All readable, all tell a story, just not very well written.

Sometimes I call myself a bit of a book snob, but I’m not, I’m someone who likes words, likes the twists and turns that language can take you to. I like clever plots that take you by surprise, that leave you gasping, wanting more. I like people that expand my thinking, I like people that can challenge me, I seek out the different and the beautiful. I can be kind to meritocracy but my interest lies elsewhere. This applies to the people I know as well as the books that I read, the art I like, the music I listen to. its key to the person I am.

So recently several people have mentioned 50 Shades to me and I’ve explained that I haven’t read it. This last Friday a colleague was telling me that she had been trying to read it for the past few months, she has taken it with her on plane journeys to another continent, more than once, she has read the first couple of pages and that’s as far as it goes. it remains unread.

So I said if you are interested in written erotica you should read Anais Nin…. Reader I’ll put a wiki link at the end for you ….. Anyway Anais was a sublime writer, her books are so glorious , she makes the most base of subject matters shine with beauty. So later that day I was walking past my colleagues office and several other lady colleagues were standing chatting and they called me back…. Debi, what was the name of the book you were talking about?  Ahh I said Anais Nin, she wrote in the 1930’s, examples would be Delta of Venus and Little Birds, both books a collection of short stories. Beautifully written, covers everything and I mean everything…necrophilia and bestiality included’ saying those words always creates a frisson so there was a small pause…. so I went on to say something along the lines of personally think it takes some kind of writing to make necrophilia look anything other than foul. But then we go to bestiality…and I’m pulling a face as I say that… because bestiality turns my stomach…..How can an animal that doesn’t speak the same language as you give consent? ……And to me consent is key to sexual behavior.  So then one of my colleagues mentions the Nancy Friday books and I say yep I’ve read them but my issue with them is that they are supposed to be a collection of individual reminiscences but they are so obviously not. My observation of the world is that people use different language to describe things, the use different language about activities of daily living, they use different language regarding sex, they use different words to describe parts of male and female anatomy and to describe sexual activities, so to me its painfully obvious that these are not a collection of different people retelling of their own stories. And then there is the issue that there was just too much sexual activity involving dogs. And quite frankly it makes me feel sick. I then went on to tell them about a very disturbing episode of Jerry Springer entitled ‘I married my horse’ that was apparently never shown in the states. Yep us poor Brits had to suffer it as one of those, lets look at these freaks kind of show. Trouble was once you started watching it you couldn’t look away!! Bit like that ghastly program about people that go dogging that was on a few months ago. Anyway in the Springer show, the man who had married his horse had actually been married to 3 different women in the past, he had adult children. On the face of it he seemed a little inadequate. He lived in a static caravan in the middle of the woods… so glad that hasn’t damaged my imaginary cabin in the woods that’s been my own personal bolt hole for the past 20 odd years. Anyway Mr I Married my Horse had loads of animals, many of whom he had sex with but he loved one particular horse so much that he married it. can’t find any words that I want to write about that. Could discuss it verbally at length but I’m not writing about it. Then the Springer show went on to interview a couple that lived elsewhere in America, I’ve decided it was Arkansas but I might have filled that memory. So anyway there are Mr Beardie Weirdie and his Round Wife, now they could be having sex together but no, he prefers to go out to the barn and shag the pony leaving her indoors to enjoy sexual relations with the German Shepard…. Seriously!!! I don’t think you could make this up.

Anyway whilst we are all laughing, we are all looking a little freaked out and probably feeling a bit disturbed when another colleague put her head round the door to speak to us. Now earlier in the day someone had left a cat in a basket and a load of personal possessions in the reception area downstairs and just disappeared. Many of the ladies I work with had offered to give the cat a home…. Many of love animals. So anyway our colleague puts her head round the door and says ‘I’m just going to go downstairs to check on the pussy’  To which we all roared with laughter, she stood there looking nonplussed and we pulled her into the room to explain why we were laughing so much!!! Bless her she went bright red. Then a big boss appeared and said oh my god thank goodness you are all laughing, I thought you were crying!  Crying with laughter yes!!! Anyway we told her what we were laughing about and laughed to!! Can I just say how much I love people who have this sense of humour!!!

So this story is now officially going into my memory of stories that  will always make laugh. They join the On Holiday story, the Mr W falling down the golf course embankment story, the Masturbating Monkey story and Mr C going off his nut and appearing to almost pull the handbrake off of his car story…. and yes I did laugh hysterically recalling that event only a matter of weeks ago!!! It was actually very scary at the time it happened … Oh and lets add Mr.C’s Glastonbury sodding yogurt concerns story to that pile.

Anyway that has all made me laugh… but this is going to take a bit of a dark turn now…so I will leave you with this and write the next bit in a separate post. 

As someone says Peace and Love xxx

Enjoy xxx


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