spirituality and sexuality all being the one

I was about to start writing and my mum rang. I’d been thinking about my mum and family earlier today. I recalled the day I came home from primary school at lunchtime to be greeted by my little brother saying ‘your guinea pig died’. That was Honey pig… a three coloured rosette pig…. Honey was one of a pair of pigs, her companion being called Sugar, a smooth black and tan pellet of a pig…..I love guinea pigs and have had the pleasure of the company of many over the years… funny little things that bustle about and squeak a lot!! Anyway my response aged 6/7 years old was to turn away to hide in our hallway and cry… ūüė¶ Our mum said hush now to little brother and came to find me to hold me tight and say now now… This got harder and harder for me and my mum….¬†

I have a real problem with being seen and weak and needy… I run and hide away from people rather than show them my pain and … goodness so much more.

In going through what has happened to and around me in recent years plus all the stuff I carry around in being 47 years old and in being where I now find myself in relation to this all of this has led me to the point where I know I have to find some real peace within myself.  

¬†I can’t keep pushing people away and keeping people at arms length. My family and friends love me and care about me. I love and care about them. Very much. Yesterday when I arrived at my friends annual August Bank Holiday for what may be the last time at their home as they are downsizing, I bounced of a step to land on the grass saying ‘Boing’ for my friend to say ‘that’s why I love being friends with you, the you that boing’s off of steps’ xx ¬†You know who you are friend. Hugs xx¬†That was nice as was the good connected kind of chat that I’ve just had with my mum, the sort of chat that makes you feel loved and valued. Hope it went both ways cos its meant like that.

I am going to be as mindful as I can with what I write next, I am very away of the amount of what we in therapy terms call spillage is going on with me and I do not want to cause anyone distress or embarrassment in any way, I retain certain boundaries, many boundaries in fact so no names.  

I am making great inroads into reducing, softening, maybe one day eliminating the many walls that I have created around me. Walls created because of many events that have occurred in my life. Some you know about, some you don’t. Some of those events simply need to be discussed in therapy as that is the safest place for them and for me. But yesterday I had a lovely time with some of my oldest dearest friends… lets call them the Scooby Gang… love Scooby Doo and its always good to get a Buffy reference in there… ūüôā ¬† ¬†

Goodness we laughed reminiscing. Laughed so much it hurt… tales of friends playing golf in the middle of thunderstorms, of friends sliding down massive embankments, of that friend being sooooo angry when the other four of us just stood there and roared with laughter at this event, if you were there you will know just how funny it was. Tales of all of us being renegades, of being people that cared deeply about each other, who whilst conforming to many of societies rules and regulations all needed to push certain boundaries. Many boundaries pushed. Nothing broken too badly I hope….

one of my friends was talking about playing post man’s knock, this being a kissing game if you are not aware of it, and kissing one of her best-est male friends whilst pinching her nose. Made me laugh. Something was said about the exchanging of saliva, if you get what I mean, ……..and I remarked maybe there was a little to much exchanging of saliva between us, Lets get this out there …I’m not bothered about any of this stuff, it is what it is/ was, curiosity mainly, something else, who knows. Anyway it led to a discussion about how maybe people outside of our circle might find us and our behavior a little odd. Then on of my pals, who was once a very long time ago my boyfriend for a couple of years said ‘yeah but what did we all really do’….’the difference between what we all did and what we could do was’ …and he held his hands a foot apart to three feet apart… we all laughed and went yes …you are absolutely right. And he is correct.¬†

I do proper love these people for many different reasons. a lot of it is about growing up with people,. This does not differentiate the friendships that I have with other people who I met later or who simply were not part of this group cos if you are my friend I will care about you at some level or another… I have plenty of positive emotions and can share those quite easily… its the bad stuff I have a problem with. ¬† ¬†

So there is a whole lot more to that discussion that I have in my head right now but being mindful of others and their feelings I will hold those thoughts. Suffice to say as a rule I feel quite secure with my sexuality, I have a really smutty sense of humour and to my absolute delight I find many other people do…. ladies, school mums, that stood on the primary school playground whilst waiting for our children to come out of school talking about the merits of vegetables such as carrots that caused me to turn around and raise an eyebrow at them and the moment that we all laughed, telling someone that they were invited to the staff barbecue to be told I love a sausage in a somewhat suggestive manner causing me to ¬†turn away laughing whilst saying yep I love a sausage too…yep, its sill, its childish but you know what I don’t give a f*ck. I hope I never grow up.

I hope I never lose my curiosity, I hope I never stop seeking out new experiences, I’m looking at Masters modules for study next year as I know I need to stretch my brain again. I’m feeling properly awake for the first time in years and I’m loving it…..

So spirituality and sexuality being one? Well they are, they are an energy, a creative life force all of their own. They are mainly a good thing. I say that because I like some of you have bad sexual experiences in my past, thankfully far outweighed by good experiences. And that is most certainly all I am saying about that. The rest is for therapy.  

I found the following quote by Deepak Chopra…¬†Sexual energy is the primal and creative energy of the universe. All things that are alive come from sexual energy. In animals and other life forms, sexual energy expresses itself as biological creativity. In humans, sexual energy can be creative at all levels — physical, emotional and spiritual. In any situation — where we feel attraction, arousal, awakening, alertness, passion, interest, inspiration, excitement, creativity, enthusiasm — in each of these situations, sexual energy is at work. Whenever we feel these states of awareness, we must put our attention on the energy that we are experiencing, nourishing it with our attention, experiencing it with joy and keeping it alive in our awareness.’ He also said ‘Sexual desire is sacred and chaste. The suppression of sexual energy is false, ugly and unchaste’ and ‘Bliss, carefreeness and playfulness are the essence of sex’.

Someone recently commented in a good way about my use of Huffington posts so here is a link to one with a little more of Deepak Chopra’s insights into sexuality¬†http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deepak-chopra/kama-sutra-insights-into_b_623177.html¬†for you perusal.¬†

Another link, this time by Walter Last http://www.health-science-spirit.com/sexspirit.html if your interested.

Finally, I just told my mum a conversation that I had with my teenage son on Friday night when we drove back to my place of work to recover the yummy food that I had bought to celebrate his GCSE results and had left there… Doh me! Anyway I was telling him that I am considering my options regarding a Masters degree, I had been thinking psychology and sociology…. these already forming part of an Bachelors OT degree … but that conversations that I had had with a work colleague that day about Mindfulness, I thanked her and a colleague for introducing ¬†me to Mindfulness, she remarked that she thought i was already there as evidenced by my use of the Andrew Boyd quote… its everywhere at work now!!! Anyway we talked about how degrees in economics and philosophy would be something worthy of studying. I think I just might. And as my mum just said ‘you were good at economic’s’ and as I then said’ yes and I’m interested in philosophy’. But my son with his mega scientific brain see’s philosophy as a weak science, something to derided. He quoted Karl Marx at me, ‘Philosophy is to science, what masturbation is to sex’. seriously he said this!! In an instant I thought you are a 16 year old boy it is very likely you know what masturbation is, I’m his mum. seriously I really don’t want to know…fingers in ears… la la la moment…But you have barely left the house in the last two years therefore I do not believe that you will ever have actually had sex. My response? i looked sideways at him and ‘yes, but you know what? Masturbation feels good’. That my friends completely took the wind out his superbly critical sails. That might sound harsh … but as a colleague sad this week…. ‘Boy! you OT’s are harsh!!…. and as Baloo in the Jungle Book says or at least I think he does,,,’You better believe it!’….. ¬†I did go on to say I understand that you don’t think much of it, but I am interested in it. I also said I don’t really want to listen to you being so dismissive about it. He is of course a 16 year old boy with a 16 year boys brain, therefore his frontal cortex is not fully developed, so empathy is a little lacking but I will endeavor to ensure he develops it!!! Oh and when I told my mum this she laughed!! That my friends is a mega thing, worthy of being most precious!!!

That is of course another example of sexuality and spirituality being one. So my friends as I endeavor to lower my own barriers and come back to you all on many different levels, i hope you will bear with me. I don’t know what has gone on in your lives, what you have and haven’t experienced, what you are currently feeling but what I do know is that I believe that my future will be a warmer, kinder, more open and more compassionate place. I hope to see many of you there. Well not a sexual way of course, cos that is and has always been reserved for a select special few.¬† ¬†

And that my friends is that just got the¬†Andrew Boyd quote again, cos I love it so much…

‚ÄúCompassion hurts. When you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything. And you cannot turn away. Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. You must either learn to carry the Universe or be crushed by it. You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors.‚ÄĚ

Oh and an aside… when I returned from my primary school third year trip, my dad and I went into our garden to put our remaining guinea pig Sugar to bed. Honey and Sugar were clever pigs, they had been trained to climb into a metal box when you tapped the top of it, my mum could not handle guinea pigs and so this solution to the problem was created. We found that she had died in her run. She looked completely at peace. ¬†

X

Posting first, editing later. Loves you all xxx 

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spirituality and sexuality all being the one

Awoke around 2.30…. trying so hard to make my peace with insomnia, screening Talking Therapy therapist stated clearly that how I’m feeling right now is perfectly normal for someone who has been through extreme stress and who is now standing slightly away from the source of all that stress. This is trauma and my brain like anyone else’s brain needs to be able to process what it and the rest of me has been through. ¬†

I’m a therapist myself and I understand how the brain works, I understand the processing, I understand the mechanics of how the brain works, what hormones do what, how synaptic pathways are developed, how our personalities are shaped by electrical impulses jumping from axon to axon. ¬†I understand how Post traumatic stress disorder develops, I understand what needs to be done to attempt to prevent this occurring…

As an aside that is partly due to an excellent KCC training day, further reading on my part. I was impressed to read that the american military (i know,…) had OT’s pretty much stationed at the front line at Helmand Province working with soldiers who had been caught in explosions to create stability of routine in order to reduce the stress and create good sleeping patterns in order to reduce the possibility of PTSD occurring.

If you have ever heard me talk about the time when my car battery exploded in my mine and someone else’s face you will know quite clearly how I feel about exploding devices. ¬†If you haven’t I’d suggest you ask me. I hate war, I wish they did not happen I wish humanity could treat itself better.

So after being awake at 2.30 this morning I did go back to sleep, I sleep deeply and it was hard to wake…but I’m too long in the tooth to be sleeping in for the whole day and besides it would only catch me out the next night…so i struggled back into consciousness and woke up. I then watched the Stripy Sista’s dance and around each other on our landing. They full on fight at times these two… lots of hissing and punching of each other…siblings what can you say… probably plenty but that can wait for another day.. ‘cept to say I love my little fuss of a brother with all of my heart.

Watching them put me me in mind of dear old Storm cat and Mighty Mojo cat and how they for the 15 years that they lived along side each other would have a daily boxing match. Storm cat as many of you know came into my life as a feral kitten, she did not trust anyone or anything and it took years for her to really calm down, she got on okay with Oliver cat although sometimes she punched and kicked him too, and he was the most gentlest and kindest great big cat you ever had the pleasure to meet, she had no time for Nutkin probably because Nutkin who arrived after Storm and Oliver choose to chase Storm out of the cat flap the first time they met. I had a very steep learning curve on the processes of introducing cats to others cats! And Storm was none to impressed when Nutkin’s kittens arrived…her first response to seeing them all helpless and hours old in a box when she peered over the edge of the box, was to literally screw her face up in disgust and emit a low growl and walk off in a huff. She simply ignored them thereafter. But when Mojo cat arrived as a small 7 week old kitten, again I know!! Storm cat had the beginnings of a friend! I used to keep Mojo away from the others during the day when we were out at work, she was to young to have access to the cat flap and the others needed to be able to come and go as they had always done, there wasn’t any other way to do this than to put her in the front room with her food, water and litter tray and close the door. She used to go berserk when I got home… ‘meowing let me out. let me out, let me out It took me a while to see’. I hated having to close her in like that, but we had just lost a most beloved cat, that’s Jasmine cat if you don’t know, to a road traffic accident and I was very twitchy about this happening again. Heartbreaking.

Mojo cat, like all things grew and grew and soon she was big enough to be allowed to go outside when we were there and after while when we weren’t there. Until one day I was sitting on the patio looking down onto our garden and what did I see…yep the still growing Mighty Mojo cat and Storm cat boxing!! Thump, thump, dance, dance, thump, thump! Jeez I thought, hold still I thought, sit and watch lets see what they do….no hissing just this little dance….and they went their separate way. Okay, lets just see. And there began the pattern that they fell into for the next 15 years, they did it when they lived for a year with my parents. Bear and I lived with my parents for 6 months before being rehoused in temporary accommodation for what turned out to be 5 months. It was hard to leave the cats but we saw them every day and it was the best thing for them at that point. And then we they arrived to join Bear and myself in the sanctuary that is the Little House on top of the Hill they continued to do so. Storm as many of you know lived until she was 20 years old, at the end she was completely deaf and just a little bit senile…. ¬†she did like to wander around meowing very loudly to herself which was a times most distracting and we had to have a litter tray in the house for several years because she stopped going out the cat flap at the front when we weren’t there and would poo every where in the house which was quite frankly disgusting…I don’t like having litter trays in the house but you know….

So anyway Mojo has lived for 2 years without Storm cat, she put up with the Stripy Sista’s and their hooliganish behavior… they would swipe her and she would side step them out of the way… she went to great lengths to walk around those two… No hissing, no fuss,… just, no thanks. So on last Monday several hours after Mighty Mojo had passed from this place in our kitchen my no longer so little fuss of a brother arrived with my nephew and we buried…he dug her grave … forever grateful bro..the ground here is sooooooo hard… and we laid her to rest right next to Storm cat’s grave. I like to think that those two are now spiritually boxing each and every day. Our bodies simply being a temporary shell for our spiritual beings.

Occupational Therapy theory partly sits in a theory called Open Systems Theory, this struck a resonance with me when I first learnt about it, I’m not going to talk about it at length. If your interested you will look it up for yourself. Suffice to say this is how I see life, the universe is vast, we are all interrelated, we are all interconnected. I don’t have religious views I am most probably sit with deism, but more to do with the sense that the laws of physics are such that random chance does not answer questions in a way that I find satisfying… but I do know that for me spirituality does exist… its part of what drives us on, what motivates us to do what we do …..and what we don’t do! Again its a hugh part of the process of Occupational Therapy …. very distinct reasons about why I chanced.. yep chanced… something for another day…and why I ultimately became an OT… which as many of you know, is up there in importance and value with being Bears mum.

right I’ve written a lot… and I still need to write more.. otherwise the title of this particular blog won’t make any sense…. but I’m going to post this, drink some tea, rest my arthritis/tendonitis affected hands/arms for a moment and then I will continue.

Hope you will join me in raising a metaphysical glass to Mighty Mojo cat and her return to her pal dear old much missed Storm cat who was a small cat with a very large personality.

Thank you for your time. xxxx 

                              

PS I’m not proof reading this till later. I’ll post and edit later. xxx¬†

 

 

 

 

Insomnia …not the title of a sodding song!

I’ve been suffering from insomnia for a while on and off… its not nice… at its least it is incredibly tedious, at its worse its rather dangerous… sleep deprivation being a form of torture and all that…. ¬†

I’ve taken to tweeting whilst its happening as I find the interaction with other people suffering the same problem to be some what soothing……so what follows is a synopsis of my tweets from one night earlier this week……

Been asleep. Now awake. When will it end? 

Been asleep. Awake again. It’s like a fucking game ūüė¶ ¬†But a not very funny one ūüė¶

Then I read this… _>¬†http://www.positivelypositive.com/2013/08/12/go-run-now-is-your-chance/¬† I suggest you click on the link… its a good post and worth a read.¬†

so then I wrote ….Well that may turn out to be cathartic. That was an awesome blog. Nice to read someone who thinks in a very similar way to myself…¬†You know I always come across as confident. Because I am confident. I just happen to also be anxious at the same time. I don’t express my anxiety very well. I keep it close, out of the sight of most people. Because of where I work, the local govt pays for all of us to have access each year to up to 7 sessions of counselling. In the 9 years I’ve been qualified I’ve used this service 4 times. This year, work paid for extra sessions, something to do with the trauma caused by the hellhole that I had found myself in…

Successive governments meddling with the NHS have caused big problems and what is going on now under the coalition government is unbelievable.¬†It’s really tough and it’s really not a healthy way to be working.

I’ve had all my own personal shite going on at the same time hence my small¬†Breakdown in 2011. It’s a good thing that I have high emotional intelligence or that would have happened again earlier this year… ¬†That might go someway to explaining why I’m currently feeling the way I’m feeling and why I have sodding insomnia..

But I want to share something …. back at the end of 2010, I was recovering from having orthopedic surgery on my right wrist and shoulder… sounds nothing but it was…It was a bloody big deal… What was wrong with my wrist and shoulder had been wrong for 10 to 15 years and I had carried on and on until I could not carry on anymore… All that pain and discomfort and reduced mobility. ¬†For someone who is fiercely independent, who finds it so hard to let her guard down, to let people in, to ask or allow others to help. Anyway I’d had an argument with my mother and we did not speak for¬†3 months, ¬†whole story to itself, which can wait for another day…. ¬†and my line manager said Debi, go see a counsellor, it will help….so I did…..And I saw a lovely counsellor who did indeed help. So I’m telling her about my son who had been very anxious about something and that I had told my mum about it and that my mum had said its a worry, he is so anxious, you were never like that.

And I had said, oh yes I was, I still am, I just don’t voice it. … Not really acknowledged by mum but that just is the way things are…. Anyway the counsellor said to me, it’s you Debi that gives him the space to do that.¬†

When I left my marriage I was accused of being a bad mother, not going to say to much about that … cos the people that know about this are the people that need to know… So I am someone who left a very gone wrong relationship, I am a women of phenomenal strength and I have achieved so much since that point but it is important to note that being told again and again that you are a bad mother is a form of abuse, a form of mental torture.

To be very clear I am not a bad mother, I am anything but a bad mother. But unfortunately it has left a mark and every so often I need people to tell me what a good mum I am. Being told I gave my son the space to express his anxiety told me I am a good mother.

So today I’m being a good mother to myself, cos here I am telling you how anxious I feel. Not going to tell you what it’s about, cos its lots of different things and some of them simply aren’t for public consumption… But I will tell you that what I now know at the grand age of 47 is that it is possible to be very confident and anxious all at the same time.¬†It’s not wrong. It just is.¬†From now on this all goes in blog. I’m hoping to be able to sleep now. Xxx¬†

And I did sleep. ūüôā¬†

And I kept my word, here it is in my blog. This might be harsh reading if you are anyway involved in any of these situations. It might be tough reading it but I’m writing it because I need to write it. You have a choice whether you read it or not. ¬†x

 

State of Mind!

Its been a while… it was the 20th August 2011 that I last wrote here… that is nearly two years! Two years where I felt as though I was underwater drowning. What a horrible way to be feeling. How incredibly traumatic! Felt quite clear at the beginning of the year, drowning not waving. The worst of this caused by an intolerable work situation, compounded by pressures in my home life.

Thankfully now things have changed a bit…my GP had the presence of mind to take me away from the source of extreme pressure and signed me off of work as unfit to work due to work related stress.¬†Unfortunately she could not sign me off the rest of my life, but I can’t run away from that stress. I’ve had a lot of stress in my life over the years, and I’m reminded of something that my individual tutor said to me whilst I was at uni, she commented all that I was dealing with, studying whilst being a lone parent, the daily grind of a 100 mile round trip to get to uni and back each day, financial problems, always present when you are a student! and the total catastrophe of my dad having his first massive stroke, an event that rocked the very foundation of my and my families world. She commented on how I coped with that and that it put the lesser problems of younger students into the pale. I replied its all relative, the things that they can’t cope with now, I probably couldn’t cope with when I was young. You live, you learn. We looked at each other and nodded. So I had some space from intolerable work and I started to feel a bit better, went through a very rocky return to work but I got through it.. And work finally acknowledged that due to the osteoarthritis/tendonitis that I am plagued by I am covered by the Disability component of the Equalities Act. Oh and if you are going to ask, I have that in writing.

Having my child become ill has been such a truly awful appalling thing to happen. I work with a patient who has 2 children, the eldest of which has an extreme learning disability and severe autism, she also has an autoimmune disease, she has had more than one psychotic breakdown and is very clear that these have been caused by having to consistently fight the system of social care in Britain to ensure that her child’s needs are met. ¬†I told her that I had had the tiniest taster of what she had been through and I completely understood / empathised with what she had been through, continues to go through…. oh and by the way, I said to her lets try and sort things out so that you are supported and then you won’t have to get ill again. She said then said can I hug you? Don’t really go in for touchy-feely huggy stuff with patients but I said yes. Cos you know what, it was what was needed.

So here we are in the early hours of the morning and I don’t seem to be able to stay asleep. Think my brain is so overloaded by stress and trauma after 2.5 years working in the hell hole. I’m out of the worst of it now…I feel like I came up from underwater and can breathe again, I do in fact feel like I came out of a coma! I’m in a virtual pool and the future looks a lot brighter, I have the brain space to think about learning and career development needs and where I want to be in the next few years. I’m picking up the phone and talking to people, I’m seeing friends again, I’m no longer angry 24/7, yep I’m still crying intermittently but you know what I am laughing lots! My boy whilst not better, not out of the woods is significantly better than he was say 6 months ago. Please all that is bright and shiny let that continue.

I think I have some form of survivors guilt / post traumatic stress thing going on and I am going to be having further counselling but in the mean time I am going to write. I think it will be therapeutic for me and I think I need and deserve that.

Because as two counsellors and more than two friends have said I deserve to be happy. And you know what so do I.

It is without a shadow of a doubt that there will be more… xxx

Monday 20th August 2011

I am keeping strange hours at the present, the iron tablets seem to be slowly making a difference, which is good. And I am making use of the time and energy that I have to get on with Fun-dRaiser stuff…¬†amongt¬†other things.

Still finding it hard to concentrate but I have started reading a book, might actually watch a film this week. The worst of my restless legs seems to have calmed and my breathing is getting better. Still got cold feet and seriously achy joints but its early days, so am hanging onto hope!

I feel the need for food now… so am off to make busy in the kitchen…. xxx

 

 

Friends old and new

I have been friends with many of my friends for decades….and I¬†treasure them, we have been through a lot together¬†but I have been busy collecting new friends. I have many at work now, working in MH services in the NHS has proved to be the best *fit* work-wise for me, I don’t feel like the oddity amongst *normal* and what for me were actually rather dull individuals….

I look for that certain spark in people, if I thought about it I would be able to define it, but I’m going to leave it as a creative, spiritual connection, a sort of meeting of minds or soul…I don’t want to over analyse it, as I think that this would spoil it…

So if you are new in my life, whether I found you as a neighbour, you know who you are, whether I met you at college, uni, or work, whether I met you on the recent phenomen¬†that is a social networking site….. I am glad that I met you, you make my life lighter….

much love

XXX

This here is the Light Blog….welcome.. fun and laughter here xx

Thanks to all my lovely friends that came out for a drink in the delightful local pub that is The Punch & Judy last night. It was lovely to see you all and I had a really good time with you all. I love that I feel re-connected with you all, and its made me reflect on how I choose the people that I want around me nowadays…we are probably all a little flawed in our own ways but there is a¬†positiveness¬†about you all… I love¬†everyone’s¬†creativity, passion and intellect…I love that I have known so many of you for decades, you all bring something good to my life…. Long may it continue ….cheers xxxx